Robert Charles Comer is a credit to sports fans worldwide. Image: Sweded.

For good or ill, most of us won’t get to choose our last words. They’ll probably be something embarrassing like “Sorry, man, I don’t have any change on me” or “Can you pass those matches?”. But if you’ve been convicted of a capital crime in some uncivilised country (like the US), no doubt you have a long time to ponder what your final statement on this earth shall be.

Some choose to use the weeks and months preceding their imminent demise to concoct a statement that will define who they are and what they stood for. Personally, I always thought it’d be a fine time to have some fun. Besides, being condemned to death means that you are now only answerable to yourself (or some imaginary maker), so you’re truly free to say whatever you please. It’s not as if your statement is going to result in you being any more dead.

While studying almost 300 Texas executions for his book Last Words and the Death Penalty: Voices of the Condemned and Their Co-Victims, Scott Vollum told ABCnews.com that most final statements are “simple” and “give well wishes”. Trawling through Tru.Tv’s photo gallery of death row inmates last words, it’s true; the vast majority of them are religious, contrite and succinct.

Often the very final last words are spoken to the executioner, like Derrick Johnson’s “I’m through with my statement”, Dale Devon Scheanette’s “You may proceed Warden”, Clifton Allen White’s “Let’s go, Warden” and Robert Hudson’s “Thank you, warden.” And sadly for Earl Wesley Berry “No comment” is recorded as a comment.

Below are some of the more original approaches condemned criminals have taken.

“One might say the State is going to make me an ex-con” [chortle]
Some decide that their final words are the last time they have an opportunity to make a terrible pun. Before he was sent to the electric chair in 1966, James French quipped, “How about this for a headline for tomorrow’s paper? ‘French Fries’.” Perhaps he was taking his lead from fellow lightnin’ rider George Appel, who said in 1928, “Well, gentlemen, you are about to see a baked Appel.”

“Fuck you!”
This is your last chance to bully someone, so why not follow the example of Henry “Breaker” Morant, who reportedly badgered his firing squad to “Shoot straight, you bastards! Don’t make a mess of it!” Carl Panzram was apparently an excellent executioner himself, if his final words to the man trying to hang him are any indication: “Hurry it up you Hoosier bastard! I could hang a dozen men while you’re screwing around.”

When your family are the only ones you can trust, nothing you say is going to halt the reaper. So Johnny Frank Garrett, Sr., proclaimed “I’d like to thank my family for loving me and taking care of me. And the rest of the world can kiss my ass.” Much the same sentiment came from gangster Francis ‘Two Gun’ Crowley in 1931, snarling, “You sons of bitches. Give my love to Mother.”

Some try to protest their innocence and give some advice from the chamber. Pedro Muniz said, “I want you to know that I did not kill your sister. If you want to know the truth, and you deserve to know the truth, hire your own investigators.” William Chappell said, “Jane, you know damn well I did not molest that kid of yours. You are murdering me and I feel sorry for you. Get in church and get saved. I really don’t know what else to tell you.”

Someone kill George Harris's trial attorney.

George Harris was more direct: “Somebody needs to kill my trial attorney.”

“Go Team!”
You might be suspicious of some sports fans who declare their allegiance to the death. But don’t doubt the dedication of these American football tragics. James Filiaggi slipped, “I’m going to be busy getting the Browns to the Super Bowl” into his final words. Bobby Ramdass seemed quite sure that the “Redskins are going to the Super Bowl.” Robert Charles Comer’s last statement was simply, “Go Raiders!”

“Go Race!”
Here, racial pride comes before a fall. In 1933 Giuseppe Zangara declared, “Viva Italia! Goodbye to all poor peoples everywhere! Pusha da button!” Javier Suarez Medina said, “To the people of Mexico, I would like to thank them for the help. … They have suffered enough. Long live Mexico. Raise the flag of Mexico with honor. I love you.” Robert Atworth’s Irish luck dissipated, “If all you know is hatred, if all you know is blood-love, you’ll never be satisfied. For everybody out there that is like that and knows nothing but negative, kiss my proud white Irish ass. I’m ready, warden, send me home.”

Brian Robertson combined racial pride with a famous quotation and a defiant attitude in 2000, producing: “To all of the racist white folks in America that hate black folks and to all of the black folks in America that hate themselves: the infamous words of my famous legendary brother, Matt Turner, ‘Y’all kiss my black ass.’ Let’s do it.”

“Excellent, sir. Lobster stuffed with tacos.”
Some used their last words to discuss their last meal. An appreciative James Collier, executed in 2002, said, “The only thing I want to say is that I appreciate the hospitality you guys have shown me, and the respect. And the last meal was really good. That is about it. ”

Some were not so appreciative. Thomas Grasso exclaimed, “Please tell the media, I did not get my Spaghetti-O’s, I got spaghetti. I want the press to know.” And Ricky Lee Sanderson blathered, “I didn’t take [the last meal] because I have very strong convictions about abortion and the 33 million babies that have been aborted in this country. Those babies never got a first meal and that’s why I didn’t take the last in their memory.”

Aileen Wuornos: crazy 'til the end.

“Leprechauns run the country!”
Speaking of stone cold insanity, it can sometimes be as simple as the “I love you” that Sean Flannagan said… to the executioner. Or it can be as off the hook as the infamous last words of Aileen Wuornos. Her serial murders inspired the Oscar-winning film Monster and she went all Hollywood in her final gibbering: “I’d just like to say I’m sailing with the Rock and I’ll be back like Independence Day with Jesus, June 6, like the movie, big mothership and all. I’ll be back.”

Our Last Word
Although these convicted criminals may have been deluded or insane, it’s a pity that few of them used their ultimate utterances to pass on some profundity. So we leave you with the very last sentence David Castillo spoke, after protesting his innocence and accepting his fate: “There is no man that is free from all evil, nor any man that is so evil to be worth nothing.”