"What's that, boy? Winning our timeslot? High five!"

The Culprit: Bondi Vet, 8pm Thursday, Channel Ten

The Ratings: Haven’t come in yet. See below.

The Assumption: Fawning reality melodrama about poor widdle Snookums, hosted by a golden himbo.

As an aspiring bourgie, I’ve always looked down my nose at the television programs the unwashed masses elevate to the top of the ratings. Every network panders to their audience (how many SBS Hitler docos and ABC British mysteries are on this week?) but the big hitters can’t all be as deplorable as Border Security, can they?

In the week before the official OzTAM non-summer ratings season resumes, networks have been launching their flagship programs (Packed To The Rafters, The Biggest Loser et al) to get a head start at trapping a dedicated audience. I’m betting that Ten is throwing many an egg into the Bondi Vet basket.

Combining the sun-kissed bodies of Bondi Rescue, the medical drama of RPA and the adorability of cuteoverload.com, how can Bondi Vet not be a smash hit? Plus, it’s helmed by surfboard-wielding chunk of hunk Dr Chris Brown, by far the most delectable morsel to appear on Burke’s Backyard and Harry’s Practice and a man I have previously described as a “titan carved out of butter” – a metaphor I stand by.

Let’s not besmirch the man’s good name just yet. Dr Brown does an exemplary job as the locus of Bondi Vet. He’s professional, sober and calm, never hamming it up for the cameras or nodding gravely when things don’t look too hot for the snail pellet-poisoned rottweiler Zenna. He’s low on the hyperbole-meter and is unfussed by the cameras; it’s lucky that he has the mandarin glow, spun-gold tonsure and Herculean stature or he might appear a little too sensible.

Rover intently surveys the OzTAM ratings

Apart from Zenna, the show introduces us to Patty the emaciated fairy penguin and Billy the golf ball-retrieving terrier with the shot pelvis, all before the first ad break. Every other second is taken up by cutaways of surf, surfers, beach bunnies, and assorted critters enjoying the eternal sunshine of Bondi. Check off something for dad, mum, their teenage son and tween daughter.

From there, Bondi Vet evolves quickly into very nicely balanced trifle, alternating in tone between ‘fluffy’ and ‘grave’, and subtly assuring viewers everything will work out fine in the end (hopefully the same applies to Seven’s potentially terrifying Triple Zero Heroes).

Thankfully, the show doesn’t shy away from the potential viscera; we do get to see a seizuring rottweiler and the doc sifting through penguin shit for clues. Just when I thought I’d be spared the unseemly sight of the Surfing Vet chiselling apart a terrier’s hip bone with what looked like a meat tenderiser (a promo for Law & Order: SVU initially obscured the gash), there’s the bloody ball of femur sitting on green canvas. Ick.

Ignoring the occasionally portentous voiceover and the obviously scripted joke from Chris’s long-suffering housemate Brad when Patty the penguin stays over (”When was the last time you brought a bird home?”), Bondi Vet isn’t as schlocky as I thought it would be. Doc Brown is reasonable and reassuring and doesn’t cute up or dumb down the medical elements.

Commercial television tactics do kick in at times. The final ad break featured our intrepid vet shilling PurinaOne in a Zoot Review and the next episode teaser promises a depressed parrot in a love triangle and Doc Brown doing the Heimlich on a cat dumped in the surf.

Are The Masses Wrong?
We won’t know just yet whether the masses will even warm to the show, although Ten have sure been plugging it hard. But for shits ‘n giggles, let’s say that Bondi Vet will be a huge hit. Ultimately, I couldn’t begrudge anyone putting it on their ‘must see’ list, although its greatest strength is the measured, amiable Doc Brown. The more of him and the less of the Australiana clichés and cutesy-poo stuff the better.

I like animals and happy endings (careful…) but I can’t see myself helping Channel Ten bump their ratings. Although if it was a choice between reruns of this or Renovation Rescue at 1am on a weeknight, I’ll go with the penguin shit every time.