Setting The Comedy To Medium

We wish to advise that Marc Fennell (left) and Dan Ilic are rated MA (sexy scenes, violent laughter, juvenile themes)

The Enthusiast: So you reckon TV is dead. Who or what killed it? Can we defibrillate it – stat?

Dan Ilic: TV isn’t really dead, we’re just being dramatic. It’s like TV is a Federation house that’s being eaten away by termites: those termites can eat all they want but they can’t eat everything, like the stone walls, the asbestos in the roof or the bodies in the basement.

At the 2005 Logies I got drunk and started telling Kerri-Anne that TV was a dying medium, and then got a lecture from my old boss from Channel Nine and KAK about how wrong I was, and how the internet would never threaten TV… Old people are so quaint.

Marc Fennell: Can we defibrillate it? See, I think the question is, should we defibrillate it? I’m of the opinion that if a child is choking on something (say, a lack of advertising dollars) and perhaps they are bleeding (audience numbers?) then it’s wisest to let that child die. How else will the obese brat learn not to, say, swap shows from the schedule at the last minute? How about casually running shows 40 minutes after they’re supposed to air? Oh, and subjecting us to 18 hours a day of Eddie McGuire? So I say let the kids die – all of em. Seven, Nine, Ten? Die bitchez! Because your cousin BitTorrent does everything you do, only it’s younger and prettier.

What song will you play at TV’s funeral?

Dan: ‘Still The One’ by Orleans… but it would be played really slowly by a Dixie swing band and sung by an African-American gospel choir… “We’re still having fun… we’re still the one”. Very sad.

I’m intrigued by the idea of bringing cultural theory together with comedy – how pointy-headed is the show going to be? Will we have to bone up on our McLuhan and Baudrillard first?

Dan: While I have studied those two, and got some of the best sleep in my university career during those lectures, it certainly won’t have the same weight at all. McLuhan has provided inspiration for the name of the show, and we’re replacing Baudrillard with Newton (Bert). This show is more Top Gear than Culture Studies 104.

It looks like you’re going to workshop parts of the show with the audience and create things live on stage. Have you been influenced by shows like The Gruen Transfer that deconstruct genre tropes and give ordinary people an insider’s view?

Dan: Well, not so much influenced by The Gruen Transfer as Final Cut Pro. When I used to teach Final Cut Pro to filmmakers at Apple shops around the country, I would create simple things with a touch of genre and people were amazed at the potential in their computers. So what Marc and I are doing in this show is pulling back the curtain and showing that the real Wizard of TV is the edit suite, where you can be made to look like a hero – or the villain – in any number of clicks. To do this we’re going to look at how to make a cheap ad (Baker’s Delight) and we’re actually going to look at an A Current Affair story portraying one of this country’s C-grade creative talents as one of this country’s most evil men – all for making a pun. A Current Affair can turn you into a hero or paedophile at the click of a button.

That “C-grade creative talent” wouldn’t be you, would it Dan? You got into a lot of trouble last year with Beaconsfield: The Musical, which was originally titled Beaconsfield: A Musical In A-Flat Minor. Are you planning anything equally controversial for Massage My Medium?

Dan: Trouble is the wrong word.

Marc: No, it’s pretty much the right word.

Dan: I like to suggest that I was a master of media publicity last year playing host to the world’s most ironic media pack. Well we’ll have to see. There is one thing that we’re launching before our show starts that we hope will make some lawyers come knocking on our door. But for legal reasons I can’t tell you what it is. You’ll have to stay tuned to the Media section in The Australian, Media Spy, TV Tonight and DanIlic.com to see how it all plays out.

Marc: And if that doesn’t play out, we’re gonna kidnap Kerri-Anne and give her a chemical peel live on stage.

Oooh, we can’t wait. Also, we can’t wait for the chemical peel. Now, your live video stuff could be awesome – but what will you do if it falls really, really flat? Like, “A-flat”? Are you prepared for total technical failure?

Marc: I’m working on an Irish jig and some beat poetry…

Dan: Marc can also sing the theme from Gilligan’s Island and Twitter at the same time. It’s about six verses, so that should plug the gap of any reboot. Plus I have a killer Kochie impersonation, and I’m not afraid to use it.

Marc: It’s true: Dan’s Kochie isn’t just hilarious but it’ll also cause your inner ear to bleed.

You say you’re planning to “build a celebrity in three months”. What are the steps to building a celebrity? Do we have to consult with the local council?

Dan: We’re essentially trying to make our ‘celebrity’ appear in the social pages. You know one of those ‘celebrities’ you see in the paper and say, “Who the fuck are those people?” It turns out it’s easy: a good website, a business card and a publicist. You can get into anything.

Marc: You only need to ask council permission if you give her a water feature. And when we do build one, we fully expect Sydney’s Sutherland Shire council to rip her to shreds for no good reason other than she’s pretty and adds something to our world. (Obscure Guerrilla Gardeners reference, anyone?)

Also, you say there will be ‘celebrity guests’ on your show – any hints on who they’ll be?

Dan: We haven’t asked them yet. I reckon Mike Goldman, who’ll also be in Beaconsfield: The Musical, may be our first, but we have to check with other famous people’s festival performance times to fit in with our show. But there will be others we’re hoping for: the fat kid from Hey Dad, Lucky Grills and Kerry Packer.

Marc: I’d love to see if Leila McKinnon is as dumb in real life as she acts on ACA, but I don’t like my chances.

Both of you have pretty much covered the Australian TV industry between you – Marc, you’ve done SBS, ABC and a bit of Foxtel and Dan has done Ten, Nine, Seven and more Foxtel. Marc, does this mean saucy European movies and British costume drama are your thing, whereas Dan is going to bring in lots of US police procedurals and do some jingoistic reality shows?

Dan: Marc will be highfalutin and informative and I’ll be doing fart jokes, but ‘accessible’ fart jokes.

Marc: Yes, but I promise to be highfalutin and informative whilst wearing an ABC-style curly wig and jodhpurs. There’ll also be SBS-inspired non sequitur moments when I flash my breasts. Prepare to be dazzled.

Sometimes I pine for the days when Kerry Packer could just ring up Channel Nine and go, “I want this shit off the air, right now!” What are the shows that are so bad you wish you could pull a Kerry and have them wrenched off-screen?

Dan: SO DO WE! I don’t know about Marc, but I miss the characters of TV management. The day TV died was Boxing Day 2005, the same day Kerry Packer died. James knew this and sold the business as soon as he could.

Marc: See, I’d be afraid to pull anything off Channel Nine at all. They’d just plug the schedule-hole with another episode of Ladette to Lady and then we’re royally fucked.

Massage My Medium is showing as part of the 2009 Melbourne International Comedy Festival. It’s playing from 21-26 April at Arthur’s Bar at Rosati, 95 Flinders Lane Melbourne. You can keep track of the show’s progress at Marc’s and Dan’s websites.

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