Shut-ins, cricket-haters, the perennially sunburnt and broke can rejoice, for there is some decent stuff on TV this summer. Usually summer scheduling revolves around sport and reruns but with the volume of television coming out (of the US mostly) there are many gems to be found in the non-ratings period: adventurous comedies, high falutin mini-serieseses, and movies galore!

We’ve done our best to break it down into the ones with the jokes, the ones with the drama, and a scattershot collection of ‘reality-based’ gear. Settle down with an iced tea and some Toobs and waste away the hottest days with the pick of the bunch in The Enthusiast’s Guide To Summer TV™.

PS: We’ve also included warnings about the programs that even a heat- and beer-addled brain will probably refuse to tolerate.

The Funnies

If you feel like switching on the box and switching off your brain at 7pm every night, submit to Nine’s daily Australia’s Funniest Home Video Show. It’s sure to be a mishmash of well-worn clips with the datestamp blurred out and “boing!” sound effects and racist and sexist voiceovers added, but I’ll never get tired of seeing that kangaroo kick that kid into a dam.

Look, it's black Stewie!

There are also returning repeats of Malcolm In The Middle (Seven, daily 7pm), 30 Rock (Seven, Mon 10:40pm), and the US version of The Office (Ten, Thu 8pm). Sadly, the US version of Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader, hosted by Jeff Foxworthy (!), has already been replaced by Don’t Forget The Lyrics. You’re breakin’ my heart.

There are some promising new prospects too. Seth MacFarlane’s Family Guy spin-off The Cleveland Show (Ten, Wed 8:30pm) seems purposefully improbable (with Russian bears for neighbours and a new family for the humble Cleveland Brown) but the first episode wasn’t nearly as nasty and jumbled as its parent program. This is a good thing.

Parks And Recreation (Seven, Mon 11:10pm) is perfect for fans of The Office and those who write irate letters to the council. Ten will also screen “new” episodes of Futurama (Wed 8pm), which comprise sliced-up versions of the feature-length DVD movies that came out after it got cancelled.

Absolutely shithouse prospects? Let’s start with Gary Unmarried (Seven, Thu 7:30pm), featuring classic “that guy” Jay Mohr as a recently-divorced dad; hackneyed, bitter, clichéd. Same thing but with a female protagonist? The loveable Jenny “Dharma” Elfman grimaces her way through Accidentally On Purpose (Ten, Thu 7:30pm) which retreads the plotline from Knocked Up. And I can’t conceive of a world where Patricia “the nagging wife from Everybody Loves Raymond” Heaton is enough reason to watch a new family sitcom but that’s what we’re faced with in The Middle (Nine, Mon 8pm).

The Fiction

Two new series have some strange kinship which I can’t quite work out. The first is a retelling of the Daniel Defoe’s Robinson Crusoe, aptly titled Crusoe (Nine, Sat 7:30pm). It might be silly, like Merlin, or it might be a refreshing take on friendships and survival. That said, I suppose there are only two characters.

This expression passed for 'risque' in the mid-1700s.

The second is the mini-series on the life of pioneer and US president John Adams (SBS, Sun 9:30pm), featuring Paul Giamatti as the titular patriot. It won thirteen Emmys and four Golden Globes. Crusoe won none of either. Take your pick of 18th-century cultural figures.

We can divvy up the other new series on familial lines. Unruly teens and twentysomethings will dig the Day Of The Dead meets Big Brother storyline of the UK series Dead Set (SBS, Mon 10:15pm). Thirtysomething marrieds who no longer speak to each other can get a zingy crime fix with the crim-becomes-cop series White Collar (Ten, Tue 8:30pm). Your parents will love the new Stephen Fry vehicle Kingdom (Seven, Sat 7:30pm), in which a small-town lawyer handles the quirky locals of Market Shipborough, but they’ll hate the ads and wish it were on the ABC.

There are also new seasons of Law & Order (Ten, Fri 8:30pm), Cold Case (Nine, Wed 8:30pm), Numb3rs (Ten, Tue 9:30pm) and Californication (Ten, Wed 10pm), which we can only presume will be exactly the same as the old seasons.

The Reality

Apologies for the mad jumble of lifestyle shows, docos, reality TV, and magazine-style bullshit that follows, but…

Ever wanted an F-grade Australian celebrity to take over your job while you have a little holiday in the Blue Mountains? Too late, I think they’ve already finished shooting No Leave No Life (Seven, Sat 6:30pm). Besides, I’d rather be stranded on an island with the mini-Machiavellis on the durable Survivor: Samoa (Nine, Tue, 7:30), as long as I could take Bear Grylls from Man Vs Wild (SBS, Mon, 9pm) along with me so he can teach me how to eat Samoans and make a liferaft sail out of their hides.

Jonathon Welch plays "The Freak" in Jailbirds.

ABC1 has a high-fibre selection this summer. First up is the Choir-Of-Hard-Knocks-in-women’s-prison series Jail Birds (ABC1 Tues 8pm). If your heart isn’t completely warmed, you can try the veiled condescension of Elders With Andrew Denton (Mon 8pm), although he interviews Richard Dawkins on 21 December, which I thought would provide fewer “wise life lessons from a sprightly old codger” and more “fascinating theological debate and amazing scientific discovery”.

The comprehensive US comedy documentary Make ‘Em Laugh: The Funny Business Of America (Mon 9:35) kicks on over the summer as well.

Movies!

The best thing about summer TV has already shown itself: heaps of movies! We can’t preview them all, as they’ll be portioned out all summer long, but in the next week we have Aliens, Adaptation, and Little Miss Sunshine and there has been a wealth of Pixar classics and modern cult comedies bestowed upon us already. Thanks for quitting, Rove.