A crazy motherfucker named Susan from a gang called CGU Insurance.

The ‘rappin’ granny‘ is as essential to the Television Commercial Nuclear Family as the inept dad, the long-suffering mum, the surly teen and the adorably dyslexic toddler. But according to ad execs, commercial MCs don’t necessarily have to be elderly. CGU Insurance has been delighting in the incongruity of non-ghettoised, non-black, non-young individuals busting rhymes for months. Now it’s your turn on the trope.

CGU has announced a competition for the public to dream up another character to supplement Susan the Providore (who they describe as Susan the “Providor” on the YouTube version) and Bill the Alpaca Breeder (whom YouTube describes as an Alpaca “Farmer”). You get to appear in the ad, promote your business, and win “up to” $20,000. They guarantee a further five grand if you have a CGU insurance policy already.

The AFL and NRL Footy Shows already used the format to parody equally unlikely rappers like recidivist sucker-puncher Barry Hall, Richmond coach Terry Wallace and Manly coach Des Hasler. Since the Terry Wallace parody refers to events that happened in May and the Barry Hall version was initially uploaded in June, we can guess that CGU dreamt up their competition after being inspired by these efforts. Three more parodies appear on their gallery of examples, all from staffers at Nova 100 and all spine-tinglingly embarrassing. They were uploaded in August, suggesting a promotional tie-in.

Those shouldn’t be hard to beat, but ignore the competition tips at your peril. Much like the Doritos Film School (well, more like a TAFE seminar version thereof), CGU are here to help elevate your amateur art. According to the brief tips, “The character is crucial. It’s instantly going to be funnier the more unlikely that person is to rap. A granny rapping is funnier than Pink rapping.” Word. The ‘Whatever you do’ element is just as important, as they suggest plumbers would be ripe for yucks with all that scat-play. Strangely, they baulk at the idea immediately after, in the ‘Be Fresh’ section: “maybe if it’s a plumber – ’s’ bends and blocked toilets maybe aren’t that funny.”

Maybe the whole concept was never that funny. Even rap parodies by professional comedians are a dicey prospect. The best attempts by the Lonely Island, most notably Like A Boss and (I’m) On A Boat, succeed because they sneak in super-famous cameos and apply liberal potty-mouth. And both have as much fun chiding boastful MCs as they do making fun of the nerdy protagonists.

It will be some feat if a random member of the public can pull that off, as well as sell insurance. You have 30 days left to enter.