If you’re anything like us, childhood birthday parties called for – nay, demanded! – a novelty cake from the Australian Women’s Weekly Children’s Birthday Cake Book (now known simply as Kids’ Birthday Cakes). So it seems odd that it’s taken ABC Books until 21 October this year to publish The ABC Book Of Children’s Cakes by freelance recipe-maker-upper-er Kathy Knudsen.

I’ve always found the ABC’s squeamishness about mentioning brand names on air (or in its other publishing organs) rather odd, considering that it brands the shit out of itself and isn’t afraid to merch it up at every opportunity. But anyway, now you can make a Humpty cake, or an Angelina Ballerina cake, or Bob The Builder, Bananas In Pyjamas, and even Hairy Mclary from Donaldson’s Dairy!

Our first thought was: why stop at the kids’ characters? We’re no expert bakers, but we figured that with the right combination of butter cakes in square, rectangular, loaf, round and ring shapes, and with judicious flavouring, layering and decorating, we could render many of the ABC’s most beloved shows and personalities in cake form. Here are a few ideas – perhaps ABC Books can commission its next cookbook from us!

Kerry O’Brien
This strawberry and ginger cake, topped with grated carrot, is very moist and tasty-looking as it’s infused with whiskey, but a taste test reveals a rather dry and spicy texture. People often think they’ll be able to handle it, only to realise they’ve bitten off more than they can chew. Welcome to the program.

Inspiration: the 1984 end credit sequence from The Bill.

The Bill
Commemorate the peelers at Sun Hill with a sunny tea cake studded with fruit peel. The base is a rectangular slab, with glossy butter-cream icing in a grey shade to resemble wet cobblestones. Attached at right angles with interior skewers are four round loaf cakes posed to resemble two pairs of disembodied legs – one male and one female – to re-enact the original closing credits where a policeman and policewoman walk slowly away from the camera.

The Chaser
Don’t try to serve this cake to politicians; they’ll usually smile serenely and walk past, pretending it’s not there or saying they’re not hungry. It’s a marble cake whose flavour varies wildly depending on which piece you cut and eat. Some bits are fruity and others completely tasteless. The first slice is delicious, but second helpings leave a hollow, disappointed feeling in the stomach. And after a while, security guards will come and escort the rest of the cake from the building.

At The Movies
This is an old-fashioned, double-layered fruitcake. It will keep for years and years without becoming stale. The “Margaret” layer is rather fluffy, decorated copiously with colourful gobs of icing and silver cachou balls, while the “David” layer is denser and decorated only with desiccated coconut. Also, the “Margaret” layer is much more generous than “David” – traditionally at least twice the thickness.

Lateline Business
Enjoy a late-night snack on our Ali Moore vanilla cream cake with pinstriped icing. At first glance very lightweight, it’s nowhere near as sugary as it looks, and much more substantial. It’s surprisingly Moore-ish. Accompany your slice of cake with a long, cool glass of Alan Cola – it adds sparkle to your meal with a repertoire of meaningful nods, squints and odd non-sequiturs.

Watch out for cake crumbs, Myf! Image: Sweded

Spicks And Specks
This lamington-style cake is popular among musicians and baby boomers. An Adam Hills sponge (the sort your mum is always saying you should bring home for tea) is cut into foot-long segments, which are dipped in Myf’s Jelly then rolled in Coconut Brough. Then they’re sandwiched together in an almighty jam session.

Foreign Correspondent
Sometimes you want a more exotic treat, and this pandan chiffon cake is definitely worth reporting home about. It’s protected by a thick marzipan vest that will repel chocolate bullets. Best eaten while crouching behind a rocky outcrop in a remote desert location.

Lawrence Leung
Indie chicks with fringes adore this delicious and easily digested banana cake – a real ’80s classic! If you bake it, expect your parents to watch you, nursing a cup of tea and making mildly disparaging remarks about your ability in the kitchen. But remember – unless you can ice it to resemble a Rubik’s Cube in under two minutes, it’s not a real Lawrence Leung cake.

Rage
Whip yourself into a frenzy with our take on the pavlova. An infinitely varied cake, guest chefs all like to cook it to their own tastes, but the basic ingredients are always the same. Fall asleep on the couch and let it bake all night. To serve, fill with the cream of music video and drizzle liberally with raspberry coolsie.