Ministry Of Listicles: Top 10 Men Who Bark Like Dogs

‘Dog Street Siege’ began as a perfectly ordinary beat-up on the 12 April edition of A Current Affair. Two vicious beasts, Rocky and Tyson, were claimed to hold the terrified residents of Dan Street, Marsfield to ransom!

“How is it that these two are roaming the neighbourhood frightening locals, and the council isn’t stopping it?” tut-tutted Tracy Grimshaw.

But the real star of the story was resident Ray Graham, whose uncanny impression of Rocky and Tyson swiftly became a most LOLsome meme. Behold: Crazy Dog Man!

As The Enthusiast writes this, the meme has already moved to from its second stage – in which the footage was clipped out and widely posted on YouTube – to its third stage – in which the barking gets looped for about 30 seconds of extra insanity. But we haven’t yet reached the real sweet spot: dance remixes and song mashups. The Baha Men’s ‘Who Let The Dogs Out’ would seem to be an obvious choice for this purpose, as would anything by Snoop Dogg or perhaps Lil Bow Wow. Or – and this is a little more meta, so hold onto your mousepads – the Crazy Frog.

While we wait for the internets to deliver on the Crazy Dog Man Remix (Update! 14 April, 10:43 – here it is!), those who just want to listen to grown men barking like dogs will have to content themselves with the surprising variety of such performances already online. Here are a few, handily rated out of ten for accuracy, gusto and general hilarity. (Crazy Dog Man is a ten, obviously.)

Watch out, Jay Leno! This guy’s about to unleash… the Doberman! It’s not bad, although at times it sounds like an old car starting on a cold morning, and the snarling noise sounds like my childhood impressions of snoring. But this gets points for the guy’s weird hairstyle, the way he starts off cupping his mouth with his hands but then just can’t help himself and gives way to lusty freestyle barks, and the way a vicious dog is issued as a challenge to Leno.

There is some debate on YouTube about whether this is real or not, but our Kevin Smith lookalike here definitely has a most fearsome, Rottweiler-like bark. I also liked the phlegmy growl he summoned up.

This guy is either drunk, Russian, or both. He sounds Scooby-Doo-esque. Ultimately, a pretty lame effort. But I did enjoy the panting as well as the barking.

You’ve gotta love the internet – there are actually quite a few tutorials on YouTube on how to bark like a dog. This is one of them. The secret is to use your intake of breath to make the sound, rather than your exhalation. This guy does a decent bark and howl with some nice gutteral tones, but he loses marks because he’s not really getting into the canine role.

Another nice inhalation-bark. He does quite well on the actual bark, but disappoints with the decidedly human-like “roo-roo-roo” whine at the end. Don’t get cocky, kid.

On the other hand, this is man-barking for purists. Single-origin man-barking. This guy does one bark, and he does it with dignity and aplomb. The cupped hands also give him plenty of ferocity – if I were a postman and I heard this, I’d just throw the mail over his front fence and not risk it.

Pitifully lame, but that’s why I found it so very amusing. I also really liked the way that for this guy, barking like a dog is just as much about the facial expressions as the actual noises that come out.

I thought this was only an average man-bark, but hey, the critics gave it the paws-up! It’s a shame we can’t clearly see the man barking – the focus is on the dog. But the dog clearly feels his performance.

“Shut up, Melinda!” Aww, this little fella Miguel is my favourite. He’s too shy to let his friends see his canine metamorphosis, so he hides inside his T-shirt making preparatory hurt-puppy noises. And I actually like the yappy small-dog bark he produces.

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