Oh My God That’s The Funky Ship

Weezer's black metal pirate rave was a failed experiment. Image: Sweded.

P&O has recently been grilling the public about why they don’t want to go on cruise holidays. Maybe because the Fairstar wasn’t always the Funship. Nor was the Pacific Sky. If you really want to shit yourself in terror at these prison hulks, try CruiseBruise.com (warning: molestation stories and un-mutable audio).

Or maybe the younger generation don’t book cruising holidays because there isn’t nearly enough ROCKIN’! That is, until now…

News emerged this week that may let The Enthusiast broaden its demographic. The Cruise Review – much like the Schmooze Review, but tea-dipping into the geriatric realm of the Biscuiteer. Cruises, it seems, are no longer for octogenarians who desire to cover maximum nautical mileage with a minimum of perambulation.

Weezer have always been professional geeks, gravitating toward sweaters, argyle and loafers well before their time. Last week they announced the (hopefully inaugural) Weezer Cruise. From 19-23 January, 2012, Weezer search for their island in the sun with Dinosaur Jr, Sebadoh, Gene Ween and Dave Dreiwitz, Wavves, the Antlers, Yuck, Free Energy, Boom Bip, J Mascis, Lou Barlow and more indie rock slobs for a tour from Miami to Cozumel.

There might be irony implosion here: slackers with garage tans jokily assemble for a Caribbean cruise at a point in their careers where they are almost due for a slot at Branson or being legitimately asked to play cruise ships where, if not for guitars in their hands, they could well be patrons. I mean, have you seen J Mascis lately? Or ever, really?

Obviously these acts, led by the archetypal self-made losers, are poking fun at fun. But the Weezer cruise is only the most recent “hip young cruise” mocking that most stately mode of transport, where the most exhilarating moment was an invitation to the captain’s table (a life goal immortalised in a water cracker).

The week prior, there’s a trip booked Fort Lauderdale, Florida to the Bahamas on Holy Ship! Fatboy Slim, Boys Noize, Laidback Luke, Rusko, Diplo, A-Trak, Steve Aoki, Skrillex and Tommy Lee & DJ Aero attempt to scramble whales’ sonar with slammin’ boat beats. Holy Ship! is far more understandable as an idea, since dance music fans are known to be familiar with sun, shirtlessness, and coconut oil. Although a Pimm’s hangover from rocking to Yuck all night might be a little bit easier to handle on the high seas than a crushing comedown after 72 hours banging seven-gram rocks with Tommy Lee.

Don't look in the spa filter. Image: 70000 Tons of Metal

Before Holy Ship! there was a far less god-fearing seafaring adventure announced. Even more punny, 70000 Tons Of Metal is scheduled just after the Weezer Cruise, from Miami to the Caymans. If you thought nerds were hydrophobic, imagine two thousand longhairs thrashing out to Amorphis, Dark Funeral, Hammer Fall, Coroner, Samael, My Dying Bride and other metal acts on the distinctly black/death/goth side of the spectrum. At least 30-plus sunscreen can double as corpsepaint.

Of course, semi-retired rock bands playing cruises is as much of a cliché as being big in Japan. ZZ Top, Foghat, Steppenwolf and George Thorogood will be boogie-rocking the sea to a moderate degree in December this year. This distinctly youthful turn on the ocean is less an indication of superannuity than the ever-changing nature of the music industry. It’s all about that sought-after ‘personal connection’. Of generating income through live performances rather than album sales.

What better way for fan to get to know their musical heroes than to set sail for a floating festival where they live with the musicians? The added bonus of these cruises is a chance to mix with the bands. Weezer promise a Q&A and photos with the fans. 70000 Tons Of Metal offers workshops and clinics (presumably in a dinghy trailing the ship). And surely Holy Ship! will give each female patron a free STI, personally delivered by Tommy Lee.

Weezer’s presales kick off tomorrow so sign up now and brush up on the new rules of the sea as, sadly, the Caribbean is not part of International Waters. Ergo, we give you the freshly-invented Rules of the Cruise Show: fans floating face-down must be skimmed, no bongs in the spa, buffet double-dippers will be keelhauled, moshing on the prow may be considered an act of piracy, and you’re only allowed to use drugs if you’ve brought enough for everyone.

Ahoy and enjoy!

Related stories:

1. Don’t Thank God, Thank Seven Channel Ten had a runaway hit with Thank God You're...
2. Cuomo And Cera Kick Goals For Africa Prepare for nergasm: a charity soccer match featuring Rivers Cuomo...
3. Self-Titled Album Article Wilco have just released Wilco (The Album). We consider whether...
4. Australia’s Got God Allegations are circulating that singer Taylor Henderson was given a...